Triggers

I was a little hesitant to write about this tonight but I suppose this is the point of my blog, to get things out instead of keeping them in.

I just finished the last episode of season four of Fuller House.

**SPOILER ALERT**

Kimmy has the baby that she has been carrying for Stephanie. As I was watching the episode, of Kimmy going through labor, DJ and Stephanie being there to help her through it, the rest of the family anxiously waiting for this baby to be born, I felt almost like stone. I thought I would have bawled my eyes out and deep down I think I wanted to. But I just sat there and watched as one tear fell from each eye. Just one. That is all my absolutely heartbroken self could let out.

During the whole season I kept thinking about not being pregnant again. The funny thing is is you would think for me, having HG and all, that I would never want to be pregnant again. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a part of me that feels that way and logically so. But thinking that I will never feel little flutters inside my body again, feel little kicks, know that I am literally growing another human being is utterly devastating. I will never have another baby shower or gender reveal party. I’ll never feel those indescribable labor pains. I will never feel the overwhelming joy and astonishment of bringing another life into this world.

How do you move past something like this?

I hope that someday soon I will have the answer to that. I hope someday I can find the beauty from pain and the beauty in the ashes.

My hope for 2019 is that I find my way through this and am able to help someone else walking this same path.